In Defense of Pineapple on Pizza

We live in a society marked by unprecedented division. Middle ground is no more, only two contradictory ideological highgrounds that are both simultaneously in the right. Wait… You’re either liberal or conservative. You either uphold the right to choose or you’re a bigoted, misogynistic piece of excrement. You’re either for mandatory Super Soaker™ buyback programs or you own a bunker lined with “semi-fully automatic assault squirt guns of mass destruction,” proudly fly a “no step on snek” flag, and scream “it’s NERF or nothing” at the Feds. You either love pineapple pizza or you’re wrong.

Huh? “False dichotomies”? Never heard of them. Anyway, one hot button issue is obviously more pressing than the rest. A Sisyphean debate older than time itself, even more polarizing than a spray-painted orange man: the perpetual pineapple pizza war. But allow me to make a bulletproof case for the superior pizza topping.

In 2011, Congress determined that school lunch pizza is a vegetable, so long as it contains two molecules of “tomato” paste, and of course the federal government has never been wrong about anything. But no, wait, tomato is botanically a fruit. So using the same infallible logic as Congress, pizza, too, is a fruit. Critics of the absolutely elite Hawaiian pizza complain that it’s a “repugnant, sacrilegious, culturally-appropriating perversion of Italian heritage,” whatever that means, since there are no pineapples in Italy. But you clearly haven’t been to Naples in the springtime if you’ve never seen a blossoming pizza tree. So pineapple pizza is just a fruit salad. Additionally, it’s a fact that contrasting tastes go well together. Just look at sweet and sour sauce. Or salted caramel. Or when you’ve just brushed your teeth with minty, mentholy toothpaste and you take a big swig of bitter orange juice, with pulp. Mmmm. Nothing could be better than that flavor combo, except, of course, for the cloying sweetness of tropical fruit in tandem with the Mediterranean umami of pizza! A match made in heaven!